Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
