YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
