You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
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I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
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Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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