I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
