I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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