I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
