I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
