im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
