someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
