I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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