i just had sex bonerless
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
