I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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