So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
