When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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