i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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