remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just threw up on my dentist
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
