If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
