Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
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See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
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I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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