I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
