I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
