the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She told me I should be a condom model.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
