soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
