every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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