I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
