and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
