i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
