I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Welp...herpes.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
