Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
