How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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