sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
