he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
