if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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