Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
