So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dignity is for republicans.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
