You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
