I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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