Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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