Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
