When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
