A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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