make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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