god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
