dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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