Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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