I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
