Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
