i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
