I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
