You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
