Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
