Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
