saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
