so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
