The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
