Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
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On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
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Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?