i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
