i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
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I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
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I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
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I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.