Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.