i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
