I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
