Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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