i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
