Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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